Unknown

I have an irrational fear of the unknown. Of any sort of unknown. I don't like not knowing how a book or movie will end. I don't like not knowing what grades I'm going to get. I don't like waking up in the morning and not knowing what my day will entail. I don't like calling someone and not being able to see their body language. Little or big, I can't stand it. It's not just simple dislike of it either. It's an actual fear of not knowing what will happen. It sounds silly and childish, but I can't help it.

I've heard people talk about the feeling of anticipation they get when they encounter something they don't know. A surprise or a new destination, a new book or meeting new people. I don't think I've ever experienced that. Instead, I get a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I near panic if I think of leaving the house without a plan of exactly what I'm going to do while I'm out. Being unable to predict what will happen, I can't plan for it. I can't have my responses ready, which leaves me raw, open, and vulnerable. The fear of what could happen, however unlikely, is near paralyzing.

I don't know if this relates to my agoraphobia, or if it's just part of my general anxiety. However, it's part of what I feel, no matter which part, and I'm trying to be honest about what I feel. Fear is a very big part of what I feel. This is just one aspect of it.

Misconception #1

The first thing people usually ask me when they find out I'm agoraphobic is, "So you don't like blood and gore and stuff?" This makes me simultaneously do two things. The first, despair for the future of the world. The second, use the easy out and say yes so I don't have to explain how much more complicated it is than that. After I firmly push both responses down, I try to patiently explain what it is. For those of you who don't know, let me take this moment to correct a misconception. Agoraphobia is actually defined as the fear of having a panic attack or being in a situation where getting out may be impossible or embarrassing. For most people with agoraphobia, panic attacks usually happen when they are either overwhelmed or underwhelmed with sensory input. What this essentially means is there is too much going on around them or not enough. Ergo, crowded spaces or too open spaces make us freak out a bit (read: a lot). Those who have heard of agoraphobia usually only have the vague idea that we can't leave our houses. This is true for severe cases. The fear of going outside and being confronted with all that stimulation or none at all, being out of control of what happens to our body, is too terrifying to even contemplate, and leaving the house is out of the question. But, as I said, this is for severe cases. Those who only have mild or moderate cases can leave the house with relative ease, but the fear of encountering something that will flip the switch on our control always lingers in the back of the mind.

There are two forms of agoraphobia: panic with agoraphobia and agoraphobia without a panic disorder. I have panic with agoraphobia, so I don't know much about the other type. As far as I understand, it's the same fears as panic with agoraphobia but without actually having panic attacks. I believe as soon as panic attacks occur, it becomes a panic disorder. Please feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken. Because I have panic with agoraphobia, when I just say agoraphobia, I usually mean that kind. Because agoraphobia is a panic disorder, that means lots of anxiety, and anxiety rarely comes alone. Depression, bipolar, and other mental illnesses often come hand in hand with agoraphobia. I, myself, have major depressive disorder to go along with my panic with agoraphobia.

In other words, it sucks. It's hard to function. What it means to be happy and sad get mixed up, and things we like to do become dependent on what will make us panic the least. Those like me who have lived with it for years without knowing it was a disorder think there is something fundamentally wrong with them. I suppose I can only speak for myself, but I felt like I could never relate to other people. I couldn't explain how I felt and I couldn't justify why, so I just didn't talk about it. For those of you who are struggling with this right now, please stop. I went years living like this, feeling like I wasn't really human and at odds with my family and friends who were trying to help me without knowing what was wrong. I now know that there are people who do understand and I don't have to justify myself and the way I feel. I'm not saying it'll fix everything, or anything really, but having support when dealing with agoraphobia can make a lot of difference. I've never actually met anyone else with agoraphobia, but just having people I care about know the basics of what goes on in my head helps a lot. Even if they can't completely understand what it's like, it's enough that I don't have to feel alone anymore.

Introduction

Hi. I'm agoraphobic. I have been for a long time, but was only diagnosed about a year ago. Living with agoraphobia isn't easy. I decided to create this blog mainly as a therapeutic device for myself. I don't honestly expect anyone else to really read it, but if you do, I hope you find it useful. I plan to share my current experiences on living and coping with agoraphobia, stories from my past, and inspirational content for myself and others like me. I'll try to be as honest as possible (my natural inclination is to only put a positive spin on everything and internalize anything negative). I intend this to be an outlet for the millions of thoughts people with anxiety tend to have and a way for other agoraphobics or people with other anxiety/depression issues to know that they aren't alone. We're all humans. Let's support each other.