Unknown

I have an irrational fear of the unknown. Of any sort of unknown. I don't like not knowing how a book or movie will end. I don't like not knowing what grades I'm going to get. I don't like waking up in the morning and not knowing what my day will entail. I don't like calling someone and not being able to see their body language. Little or big, I can't stand it. It's not just simple dislike of it either. It's an actual fear of not knowing what will happen. It sounds silly and childish, but I can't help it.

I've heard people talk about the feeling of anticipation they get when they encounter something they don't know. A surprise or a new destination, a new book or meeting new people. I don't think I've ever experienced that. Instead, I get a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I near panic if I think of leaving the house without a plan of exactly what I'm going to do while I'm out. Being unable to predict what will happen, I can't plan for it. I can't have my responses ready, which leaves me raw, open, and vulnerable. The fear of what could happen, however unlikely, is near paralyzing.

I don't know if this relates to my agoraphobia, or if it's just part of my general anxiety. However, it's part of what I feel, no matter which part, and I'm trying to be honest about what I feel. Fear is a very big part of what I feel. This is just one aspect of it.